Allowing Softness

 “Softness is a true power of the Feminine!”
 

I strongly believe that.

I did not always think this way. Many years ago I had no relationship to the word ‘Softness’ within myself. Softness I associated with soft blankets, goose-feather pillows, baby skin, a field of flowers on a meadow.

I lived my life running a lot of male energy without even noticing. I looked very feminine, I knew how to dress well and beautiful and took great care of my body.

I had co-founded two companies, was the Creative Director of a Film Acting School and headed the Development Department of my Production Company, got up at 5am in the morning and wrote every morning diligently before my office day started.

I had a full life and had many goals. I was invincible and had all the energy in the world.

One afternoon my former husband and myself hosted a couple at our home. As we were standing on the balcony, our friend started to admire my six pack belly. I must have worn one of these short T-Shirts, I forgot what you call them. I felt quite uncomfortable as his wife, a very beautiful curvy woman, stood next to me. I could have just received the compliment, yet in that moment I felt drawn to look at my belly myself. What exactly was he admiring? So I excused myself and went to the bathroom. As I stood in front of the mirror, I saw a finely toned belly, no fat whatsoever and I noticed that I did not breathe and constantly pulled in my tummy.
Instead of smiling, I was shocked and I wondered for how many years of unconsciousness I had done that.

Just a few months later I noticed that my body was not feeling right. I waited a few weeks, somewhat scared and then decided to get an appointment with my OBGYN. I hoped it would be more like a general check-up. The doctor,  thank god a friend of mine, treated me and suddenly became very quiet. After some time which felt like an eternity, again holding my breath, he looked at me worrisome. “Something is wrong with you,” he said, “you have a huge mass in your belly. I need to refer you to an ultrasound specialist.”

I can’t remember how I managed to put on my clothes and to keep a straight face. I ran down the staircase, so nobody would see me. As I left the gigantic building of Cedar Sinai Hospital, I started to cry. I made it to my car and sat in there, wailing, crying my eyes out for at least 2 hours.

In that moment I felt like ‘this is it: I am going to die’. Yet again – I was diagnosed with a lump in my breast exactly seven years ago – I had not listened to my body. I kept going, working like a maniac, overriding many signs of my physical instrument.

The diagnosis turned out to be a big benign tumor. It was one of my wake up calls and my invitation to awaken to my journey of true womanhood.

I realized I needed to soften every area of my life, to listen to my body, to soften and nurture myself more and those around me. And so the journey into softness started.

 

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