How I transformed rage into forgiveness and inner peace
In the year 2000, the day a certain person passed, I started to vividly and in details remember memories of sexual abuse. Shortly after that I was diagnosed with a tumor. It turned out to be a grape-fruit size, benign tumor called fibroid, that lived on a stem like a flower behind my uterus.
I was determined to heal naturally and holistically. Like a mad scientist I began to research. I was guided to a book of a woman who dissolved her fibroid by discovering the CAUSE. ‘I’ wanted to create the same success story healing the tumor and the wounds of sexual hurt.
Here are my 11 steps for Healing that I discovered:
Im the beginning I hit quite a few moments where I thought I was going crazy. A voice in my head told me: “You are making this shit up. This never happened. You are wrong. How dare you and so forth. You used to be such a good girl, this is a shame and embarrassing for your entire family. You are a liar…” It was painful because the visions I received were crystal clear. So eventually I learned to trust my strong emotions and physical reactions that surfaced often and sometimes totally unexpected. This became my barometer of truth.
2. Feeling Anger/Rage/Wrath
I never knew how to express anger well. A good girl does not get angry. I experienced it a lot. My father was often in a bad mood (especially under stress) and everybody suffered when he was upset. When I saw visions of what had happened for the first time, I got angry, very angry. It was a sensation of anger that I had never felt before.It vibrated in every cell. I had to learn to feel it fully. When I did, the anger would often turn into rage and then on a few occasions become wrath. (It made me feel like the Hindu goddess Kali with her blue tongue, long bloody fingernail and all these weapons she wears.) My former husband showed me how to channel anger. He would put a pillow in front of me that I had to hit. Or I hit the air, with my hands open, so nothing could get stuck around my wrists. It felt so good to learn how to express anger without hurting anybody. Sometimes the rage/wrath was so big that it felt I channeled feminine collective anger for sexual pain that women have experienced for eons. Needless to say we did a lot of clearing the space with white sage afterwards.
3. Feeling Shame/Guilt/Embarrassment
Feeling so much Shame. I felt dirty. Like I lost my innocence, my feminine power, like I am not worthy to be a beautiful woman. Then the guilt. It often showed up with a weird belief: “This is all my fault. What did I do wrong? Something must be wrong with me?” I felt embarrassed. When this all surfaced there was no #metoo movement. I felt alone and very confused. I did have incredible support through my former husband who was on my side 24/7 and Dr. Eileen Kenny, my mentor and holistic healer and her incredible Healing Arts Center Team.
4. The Victim
Then the victim phase kicked in. I was back to a story that sounded like that: “This is what happened TO me. Somebody else did something TO me.” I got to blame that person. I am and was innocent. Well, indeed the little one was innocent. I was truly confused. AND – the victim identification had its place. For some time it felt good to just get it all out of my system and receive empathy and compassion from others. And then this story of ‘me being the victim’ got old because it got me stuck. Along with feelings of powerlessness and hopelessness.
Resistance kicked in. Did not help the victim whatsoever, it actually reinforced the limbo. Nothing could move. Move forward. Move ahead. All was stuck. Inner traffic jam that created chaos on the outside, too.
I kept getting sessions at my holistic Chiropractor and I would see the famous Anais Nin quote: ‘and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.’ Finally I did. I knew I had to open up to healing. Doing things differently.
Years of Healing work would unfold. The main modalities that I had most success with were Bert Hellinger’s Family Constellation, Bio-Decoding by Prof. Gerd Ryke Hamer and the Journey Work by Brandon Bays. Then I started to use a process that came through me which today I call the SHADOW INTEGRATION TECHNIQUE. I would journal. Writing was very healing to me. The white page was always patient and so open for me to spill my guts out. I did a training series called Healing the Father Wound, then Motherwound, then Clearing the Air between Men and Women which finally broke my heart wide open. I saw how the little girl disconnected herself from the ‘Divine Source’, a male divine – and how she claimed that from now on she would be in charge of how much love she could let in or would give to people. Eventually I did a Tantra Training Series to feel and deal with the sexual wounds and that was extremely healing. Also specific vaginal massages where the pain in the tissue or muscles gets to release, was also super helpful.
I finally could accept what happened. I was willing to look at ‘what happened FOR or THROUGH me?
With acceptance I opened up to Forgiveness. It wasn’t any spiritual by-pass forgiving. I could tell the person and all involved that I would NEVER EVER CONDONE their actions or inactions for that matter. (It was not my dad or my mom to set the record straight). I had to do it over and over, several times. Even now when a memory gets triggered, especially around sleep (have a hard time falling asleep), I would need to do another round of forgiving. I also needed to forgive myself for telling myself that something is wrong with me or not right with me.
I had asked myself for many years: how could this happen to me when I was so little? After I heard a talk by Abraham (Esther&Jerry Hicks) that we can bring karma with us from another past/parallel life, I started to get curious. I am paraphrasing, they mentioned that somebody and the other person become like magnets that attract each other on a vibrational level. They become a vibrational match. Eventually during a Matrix Training in Mallorca I discovered ‘it’. It was an experience from another life that left a huge residue of heavy guilt in me. This (my) guilt became the magnet, the vibrational match in the event.
During my recent operation when the doctors removed my uterus and the tumor fibroid (which was hard like tooth) that had grown shortly after I remembered the abuse, I experienced a Mini Dear Death experience. I was guided to the cause which was also connected to the guilt of this other life-time. The cause of the Fibroid was that I had punished myself so HARD for simply making a mistake ( in the other life-time). This hardness would show up in this life. I was often hard on myself. Hard with myself. So serious. Always felt I was not enough. When I realized the cause, it left my body like a cometh. I was flooded in golden light and so much love. Love all around me and so much Self-Love for myself.
This painful operation and realization finally set me free.
All of these steps took place over the course of 17 years. My wish would be that other women don’t have to work so hard and so long to achieve this state of self-responsibility, self-love and inner peace. I can be of support and service. If you wish to connect, click the link below, beautiful sister.
©Joya P. Gallasch (please get written permission to copy any of this material)